


Maybe we just aren't meant to be.

by crabbiestJellyfish



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Mostly hurt though, a fic based on some shit i've been feeling recently???, dirk pov but in second person, semi-angry rant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 06:52:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4338239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crabbiestJellyfish/pseuds/crabbiestJellyfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're finally coming to terms with the fact that your relationship is an absolute mess and you're not sure how to deal with it. You're not sure if you even WANT to deal with it, as the dealing will most likely end with the end of what you'd always dreamed of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maybe we just aren't meant to be.

Your mind is a constantly whirring machine, designed to overanalyze every single detail of your life, and honestly you're starting to feel fed up with its shit.

You're starting to feel fed up with a lot of shit, really.

You feel bad anytime you start to wonder if Jake is worthwhile anymore, because he's a person, not a fucking project. But the problem is...

The problem is that you've thrown your entire being into making this relationship work, and you don't feel him doing the same. You've pulled all the fucking weight, always been there for him, suppressed things about yourself that weren't meant to be suppressed because they'll end up destroying you if you do, but dammit, you loved him, so you threw caution to the winds and did it anyways.

Love him. Try as you might, you can't stop loving him, which makes all the shit he's put you through even worse because you can't let go.

_What shit?_  Your "conscience" asks.  _You can't deny that most of this is really on you. Maybe if you weren't so overbearing, so horribly jealous all the time, this wouldn't have gone to shit. Maybe if you could just learn to back off, this would all be okay._

You hate that part of yourself, because you always begin to hate all of yourself because of it. And Jake has not helped.

That's another problem. He doesn't help you.

You remember when you used to be the best of bros. You could take any problem to him, and he'd listen, and he'd do his best to help you through it. You stopped bottling up everything you felt until it devoured you because finally you had someone who cared. You told him everything, and allowed yourself to feel, even if that meant panicking easily, because he was always there.

But then he got sick and tired of you freaking out over every little thing, and started getting pissed and ranting at you about how problematic you were being to him and how you weren't helping yourself at all, instead being there for you.

And pretty soon, you began bottling everything up again. Pretty soon you began to feel overwhelming amounts of guilt for anything that spilled from its bottle because it was a problem for him, and more than anything you wanted him to be happy.

Even though you weren't anymore.

You weren't happy, AREN'T happy, because you feel you don't matter anymore.

You don't feel like he cares.

Anytime you bring forth an issue to try and fix it, you just end up in a huge argument with him that doesn't ever resolve. Not really. It "resolves" by you taking all the blame upon yourself, yet again, and swearing that you'll be the one to fix it seeing as you both seem to believe you're the root of the problem.

He doesn't seem to care enough about you to fix anything. He just slowly drifts away from you.

You've been devastated as a result, throwing yourself at him, your abandonment anxiety flaring worse than you've ever felt it before, because you can't lose him. He's all you have. You've been alone your entire life, and you don't think you can handle being alone again.

It's killing you.

It's killing you, and all he does is scoff and tells you  _Of course, old chum. Of course I still love you. I just have...issues I've been trying to work through, and I'm sorry that they're affecting you. That's not what I mean to have happen._

But he sounds annoyed with you whenever you ask for reassurance, reaffirmation of his love, even though you've told him that's a thing you need. You need to be told every once in awhile that you do matter, that you are loved, or else your mind and emotions go crazy, beginning a whirlwind of possible scenarios in which he leaves you.

It's especially hard, you guess, since his actions don't match what he says. He doesn't act like he loves you anymore, doesn't act like you really matter to him.

There was a time when the both of you couldn't go more than an hour without pestering each other. Now, though, you haven't heard from him in over two days, and his responses have been extremely sparse and brief leading up to his sudden silence.

But you know he's not missing, because he's just hanging with Roxy and Jane. Something happened between the three of them, when Roxy and Jane started dating, and now they're a close-knit group with no room for ugly stitching like you. You tell them you don't mind, that you're happy for them, glad that Jake's found a group of people he enjoys being with.

You can't deny to yourself, though, that you're incredibly hurt, and rather bitter that you've been left out of the equation. You feel like x, you've been solved for, and now that they have the answer, they don't care about you anymore. Of course, they never really did in the first place, because who the fuck likes math except for you?

Well. Not even you, anymore. You're beginning to hate math.

That hurts the most, that he's choosing to be with them over you. You know you're not always enjoyable to be around, so you can't exactly blame him, but still. It hurts like the fucking dickens, goddammit, to feel like second best after all you've been through together.

The point is, Jake is still supposed to be your friend, even if you aren't dating.

You honestly could not fucking care if you're dating or not anymore.

You just want your best bro back.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so that was a huge mess i'm sorry it's midnight and i have so many feelings


End file.
